A Pregnancy, A Miscarriage, Postpartum and Everything in Between

I still get questions about pregnancy, miscarriage and postpartum depression. But not in the order or for the reasons you may think, let me explain. As many know I had a late miscarriage in June of this year while carrying our daughter Giavanna. I feel like at the time of my miscarriage, I was already on the peak of so much happening and so many hard things going on at that time as well. A time that should be the happiest or at least exciting and enjoyable was stressful and kinda sad. So then you add losing a child at any stage in the mix and it’s a recipe for an emotional and mental breakdown disaster. Wouldn’t ya know, I had both. When I first found out I was pregnant, Kevin and I had just made the decision that we were going to look into moving out of state. His shop had slowed down in business, rent was going up for both his shop and for our rental for the third time. Surrounding areas were getting more and more expensive and it was just out of hand. We wanted to save, I wanted to move forward in building my business, we also wanted seasonal change because the Florida heat has never been for us. It was just a lot going on. A month after Kevin decided to close down the shop and we were starting to make plans for an out of state move, we found out I was pregnant. Naturally, it was a stressful time already and I was a little (maybe a lot) freaked out. I mean I wanted another baby but not like this, it was supposed to be the whole Instagram special, ya know, “everything is perfect and now is the perfect time to have a baby”, ya know, real-life (insert eye roll here). Nonetheless we started planning for baby girl’s arrival. I told family and friends and a majority of people were super supportive and happy for us while some who were closest to me weren’t so supportive or great. But that wasn’t too shocking to me considering they were never actually supportive of anything I did, lol. But we pushed on and I got used to the idea of having a little bundle in the coming 9 months.

I still remember the day we found out we lost Giavanna. I remember it so vividly like it was yesterday. I went into the doctor’s office with Kevin that day because we were going to hear her heartbeat again and check her out and then schedule my next ultrasound. This would be the one where she looked like an actual baby and not a little seahorse or a bean with nubs, lol. I remember the room-temperature gel my doctor put on my belly and then he started moving the wand around and listening intently for her heartbeat. The room was so quiet you could hear a pin drop and it stayed that way. Fast forward 1 week later and I was recovering from my D and C and leaning heavily on the strength of those who were supporting me and my therapist. I think it took me a good month to be able to get through a day without crying. Like it was the hardest and worst time of my life. All the while I also had 3 children and a husband at home that I needed to be there for as well. So as life around me went on I silently struggled daily with my new reality. People would ask me questions like so are you done having babies, are you trying again right away, you’re fine now right because it wasn’t a full-term pregnancy? Let me tell you something, It dosnt matters if you just found out 1 day ago youre pregnant or if you were full-term, s miscarriage is a loss in any capacity. I’m also still taken aback by the number of people who feel they can interject their thoughts and opinions on your life and especially in times of tragedy. I feel like for some it’s their way of saying something when they can’t say anything or don’t actually know what to say. So they just blurt out some random statement that they think will move you along in life when in all actuality it just makes it hurt more. As someone whom has dealt with some terrible things in my younger years, I feel almost that the trauma of miscarriage is almost worse. The loneliness, the sadness, the questions of what did I do wrong. It all builds up and for me, it came crashing down at the most random times causeing me to cry uncontrollably and at random for over an entire month. In the next two months I had to pick myself up and get on with my life while still dealing with trauma. So I wanted to make a point to answer those who have asked me how I was able to move on and cope with our loss.

Sadly since I had a late miscarriage and my body was already growing and going through changes much earlier than my last pregnancies, I had a belly and boobs at 3 months. I was very clearly pregnant. After my miscarriage since I was about to be 4 months and we were supposed to be past the “loss stage” I was considered a late missed miscarriage because even after she passed, my body continued on with my pregnancy as if everything was ok, so I continued to grow and ave symptoms up until the day of my delivery. After my D and C, my body was just like it would be after giving full-term birth. I was swollen and sore, my breast was still huge as they were preparing to start lactating, my belly was soft and not a firm but still looked slightly pregnant for almost 5 months after. Just know that you will have after birth symptoms, some women even still lactate afterward. But be kind and gentle to yourself because youre going through a lot and your body is just as confused as you are.

My PPD after finding out we miscarried and then dealing with comments from people whom I thought I could lean on the most was the hardest for me. My husband, friends, and kids were very supportive and I had my therapist to help me through the mental stuff as well. I definitely recommend seeing someone after something so tragic as a loss. I would NEVER suggest going it alone. As much support as I had in my own home, I still felt very alone. Everyone else’s lives were going forward and I just felt like mine was standing still. My constant crying outbursts and not being able to sleep some nights were hard. No one can really understand fully what you’re going through unless they’ve been there. I met other moms who went through the same thing and that also helped to talk to like-minded moms. I suggest finding a miscarriage or loss support group so you’re able to talk to people who have been there. It really helps a lot, as some days I didn’t even want to get out of bed but again, I had 3 kids and a husband that still needed me on the daily. But please make sure you’re taking time for you AND that you take the time to grieve. That step is the most important.

I still think about Giavanna. We do plan to try again but I don’t know when it will happen and honestly every period I get now is a sore reminder of what I lost. I still tear up a bit every month. But I lnow that when the time is right it will happen for us. But to answer that question, no you will never fully feel the same because you will always have a small part of you that isnt there and wheter you have other childrem or not that doesn’t take away any love for the one you lost as well.

Honey, I still cry sometimes. Especially every time I see someone announce a pregnancy. It still stings but yes, I have been able to move on and not cry every day but some days are still sad and it’s ok to cry. Crying is a healthy and normal body response to sadness. If you feel youre crying way too much or you just can’t stop, I would go see your doctor. They can point you in the right direction of what will help you get through it. My therapist was a Godsend to me and has helped me through all of this. (If you can’t tell, I’m a big advocate for Therapy, lol.)

Nothing! You did nothing wrong. THis is literally something I struggled with for weeks and weeks afterward but finally realized that sometimes your body will do things that feel like the wrong thing but it really wasn’t. Giavanna was really sick and had a cyst on her neck in the womb. It never healed and if she would have been born she would have suffered immensely before death shortly after being born. I feel like my body was just trying to protect both of us at all costs and sadly that meant letting her go sooner than I would have ever wanted or imagined. But YOU did NOTHING wrong.

It’s going to take time. Like longer than a month, it could be a few months, years, you never know. It depends on your trauma and experience. For me, I still havent fully moved on but I am able to get through my day to day without wanting to cry or be alone.

For me, I think that was the hardest. Our youngest was 4 at the time and definitely didn’t get what was happening. She still to this day asks when her baby sister will be born and coming home. We’re still working on ways to help her understand but I think in time she will get it as she gets older. My older 2 were very supportive and understanding. They would lay with me and ask me if I was ok or needed anything. It was really nice to have them be so understanding and supportive in such a hard time for all of us.

Find a miscarriage group or a group of women who have been through loss. I would also look into therapy. I feel like without both of those I would have needed medication or I could have turned to other things and that wouldn’t have been good. So I strongly suggest finding someone you can talk to asap. BetterHelp is a great way to find a therapist and you don’t even have to leave your home. I’ve used it in the past when my work schedule made it so I couldn’t get to a therapist’s office and it was great.

For me, I was terrified to even think about getting pregnant again for fear of another loss. But as time has gone on I feel like I’m open to trying again. I will be more cautious and my doctor will be on the watch and I probably wouldn’t announce until I was much much further along this time but I think when youre ready mentally and physically you’ll know and it will ust happen naturally. For the first few months after I was obsessed with when I was ovulation and tracking periods, etc. But now the extent of my records is just the Flo and Ovia app where I mark when we’ve had sex or when my period begins and ends. The rest I will just leave to nature.

See question above, but rememeber dont rush it. Breathe and take time for you. ;0)

I hope I have answered some hard questions that I have received in the wake of my miscarriage and I hope this helps someone know that they’re not alone. miscarriage is lonely in itself and adding in PPD for a baby you don’t get to take home is even harder. I wanted to share my story not only to keep the memory of Giavanna alive but to connect and help other moms going through the same things. Know that youre not alone and my comments, email, and DMs on Instagram are always open and you can feel free to talk to me or ask me anything you need. We moms have to stick together.

Always Remember You’re Beautiful!

-Lola