Miscarriage and TTC PT. 1

Hello loves, since this segment is such a long one I have split it into 2 parts to make it easier for reading.

Miscarriage is never easy and neither is TTC actually. I mean obviously the actual act of which needs to be done is fun. But the waiting, the tricks, the tips, the ovulation counts, the wondering, that moment when you thought you were pregnant because you were a few days late but either your count was off or your body is just being evil, the test taking, that dreaded moment when you have to wait those god awful 2 minutes for the test to be complete and it says no, the hopelessness, etc. That part is not fun. Not even in the slightest bit. But we do it and we continue to do it for that moment, that scary, happy, exciting moment when you find out your with child after waiting for so long.

My story is a bit different. I got pregnant and had my first daughter right out of high school. Birth control malfunction and being a naive 18 yr old will do that to you. But nonetheless I had my daughter September 19, 2004. She was 5 lbs when she was born at 35 weeks premature and I labored for 12 hours. I feel looking back that they possibly could have done more to try and stop my labor but didn’t. After an hour of meds and contractions they decided to speed things up, break my water and later deliver.

After my daughter was born. I went to the doctor and after a few tests and a check up I was told I can’t carry my pregnancies to full gestation. One of the causes was possibly a birth control I was using had caused a bad reaction in my body. I had literally bleed for 6 months straight when I started it and when I finally stopped taking it a year later when I realized something was wrong. Also possibly because I had cystic ovaries. I was extremely ill one day and in so much pain. I went to the hospital to find out that one cyst that had gone undetected had burst and it was the worst pain aside from child birth I had ever felt. You can’t stand, you can’t move, you can’t breath, even laying down or being touched hurts. Almost like passing a kidney stone which I have heard is equally painful. I had also had menengitis at a point after having my daughter and almost died because I thought it was the flu so I tried to nurse it at home first before being rushed to the hospital eventually when it just got worse. I was told it would be extremely hard to get pregnant if I could at all because I wasn’t producing eggs normally either. At the time I accepted my fate, thinking well ok I’m not going to get pregnant anytime soon anyway. I’m only 19 working and going to college.

3 years past before I met my now husband. We weren’t trying to jump into having kids anytime soon. We both had a daughter from a past relationship so we thought a small blended family was best for us at that time. We got a new place and new jobs and things were progressing in our lives slowly from there. I told my husband about the possibility not being able to get pregnant. We came to terms with it and didn’t get our hopes up or expect anything to happen. We tried to get pregnant for almost a year but nothing happened. Then later after about 7 months we found out I was pregnant. We didn’t announce it or tell anyone at the time because we wanted to make sure everything was ok. But sure enough before my first Dr. appt I woke up bleeding extremely heavy and knew we were having a miscarriage. It was devastating. As a woman to feel like you can’t carry a child or do the one thing as a young woman you take advantage of and try to avoid at all costs is the worst feeling. You feel like a let down, less of a woman, like your not normal because you can’t do what God made you to do.

After our miscarriage we were certain that getting pregnant was not going to happen. Seeing pregnant women or babies made me sad for awhile but I prayed and focused on our girls and the things going on in our lives and soon things got a bit better. 6 months later shortly after Christmas I was on the phone with my bestie when I had a sudden urge to vomit. I got off the phone a sure enough was sick in the bathroom. I chalked it up to the seafood leftovers I had eaten and continued on with my day. But I just kept feeling ill so my friend urged me to take a test. I had counted and realized I was late and hadn’t even noticed.

When my husband (fiancé at the time) had come home I told him what was happening and that I was late and we went out and I bought 5 tests. Yes 5, I know crazy test lady over here lol. I took them at all different times and they all lit up pregnant immediately. We were scared, happy, excited and terrified all at the same time. We again told no one until we went to the doctor. We made it to the doctor had blood work done and it was confirmed that we were pregnant. We were excited. Shocked that it had happened and that from my calculations at least we were already 3 months along.

That’s the end of pt. 1 loves, I will try and have pt. 2 up tomorrow or by Saturday.

Always Remember You’re Beautiful!

-Lola